wow- 17 weeks since my last update. I keep wanting to write facebook updates, but don't want to make everyone crazy, so I guess i'll just ramble on here.

Ronia went to bed now 3 nights in a row without asking for her paci. This is wonderful news.
Now we just need to leave the pull ups off and we'll be a big girl officially.

Today we had a work meeting. Someone approached me and said that I should consider a job as an agent development trainer. I would love to be involved in new agent training, but obviously wouldn't be around to accept, even if I had the chance. At this point, I can't really figure out what I want to do. Should I try to get back in with AAA as a travel agent? Should I try to find out about training positions, apply as a reservation agent at Pleasant Holidays, or simply get out of travel all together and do something else? The only problem is, I don't know what else to do. I am in travel because I love it. I love learning about new places and sending people to see the world. Who knows what the future holds for travel agents, but if I were to stay where I'm at- I'd like to stick around to find out. However, I'm making the conscious decision to prioritize Joey's education and feel confident that it's worth it all. The opportunity he has been given is such an amazing and fortunate experience and I wouldn't ever want that to pass him by. He would give it up in a heart beat. All I'd have to say is I'm staying here, and he would simply up and move.

Besides the whole leaving my job, family, babysitter, friends,and Michigan part, I'm looking forward to the future. I'll have Joey to come home to, awesome places to visit, and my best friend back. And hopefully as soon as he's done with his program, we'll be able to move back here without any issues. Hopefully.

I watched the Graduate the other night. I was left with the response, "What the hell...?" Tonight I may watch the Secret Life of Alter Boys. Cross your fingers that's better.

5 weeks since my last post. Has it really been that long? Well, Sarah, here's your fix. :)
I'm listening to Marie Digby on my old school walkman. The one that has my name written on the bottom, and the tears showing from where I felt I had to tear off Scott's name that was next to it. He's such a good guy- I hope he's really happy with his girlfriend. After all, I did find someone pretty darn perfect for myself. He's having a hard time and I feel helpless, but I'm sure it will be all worth it in the end.

I miss Betsy tonight. I called her at least 2 or 3 times this holiday season with absolutely no reply. I'm not surprised, but it's still a little weird. I used to spend every Christmas night with her. That is, until she actually got a life and a boyfriend and I tried to force tradition. I sometimes wonder how many times I cross her mind in any given time period. I so badly want to email her a picture of the "new Matt," but know she'll only reply to ask about him. Kind of ironic that he's one of the many factors that broke us apart, and now I probably feel closer to him than my 20+ year friend.

I suppose I'll always keep in touch with people if I can, even if it's once in a great while, and even if it doesn't really create any sort of solid friendship. It's just part of who I am I suppose. Obviously, I hold on to somethings forever, others I detach immediately. Hanson would fall into the first category of course, and I finally get to be trapped with them for 5 straight nights. Maybe I should convince one of the members to come with me to Atlantis to take advantage of my free admission. I'm sure they'll fall for that.

Night all. Time to get some rest.

Who Dante was
The meaning of the death mask
That Orlando Bloom was totally out of place in "Ned Kelly"
My daughter can say, "Here you go, Mommy."
What Kyle Bedell will look like 30 years from now
That I knew the difference between an Albatross and Blue Footed Booby right off the bat

So any night that involves pizza, Jesus, men in shiny outfits, the discovery of "plushes" (platonic crushes), and real, live camels- has to be a good one.

Tonight's been fun. Lots of things have been done and lots to reflect on.

For the first time in a while I became inspired to write some letters. Of course I didn't get to it, but I did manage to organize my greeting card box complete with tab labels. I also found pictures for Nana and a card I wrote to Doug about 4 years ago. I suppose the upside of the communication aspect was that I checked out myspace and emailed a few people I hadn't in a while. Myspace was a bit of a trip. I never check it anymore and remember when it was a source of pain. In the midst of things, I re-read Noel's old posts of him being infuriated at me and swearing a lot. That was such a terrible time in my life. The WORST time in my life. I'm incredibly relieved that I've been able to live a fairly "normal" life since all that went down. Still can't believe Joey stuck through it all, but I guess he's not the "disrespectful punk ass bitch" that he was once labeled. Noel has also come a long way and is braving it out here away from his family and everything he knows. Ronia loves him tons and loves to pretend to go visit and talk on the phone to him. I hope this all works out in the end.

I've also discovered tonight that music is quite sensual. I can't decide if this is an obvious statement or just a weird statement, but I still feel it holds true.

I miss Amy a lot recently and everyone else. Today is the first day in a while I felt like myself. After I dragged myself out of bed this morning, things started to fall into place. Of course, it's now after midnight and I don't know if I'll get enough rest to repeat it...
I felt fairly energized after chatting with Kyle all the way around the globe, and rushing Ronia to day care before 8. I was the first one to the meeting this morning on the other side of town and I actually had a semi-decent idea and wasn't too ridiculed when I brought it up. On the way to work I picked up a short caramel marvel to celebrate and then sold a celebrity cruise and had 2 final payments come in. All in all, not a bad day. Well, Ronia slept for a while after I picked her up and once again woke up completely messed up. Lesson learned. If the child sleeps, quick make dinner and wake her up! One more "I'll do it!" tantrum and I'll be at my wits end.

I answered the question I already knew. The only way I can start functioning properly in the morning is music. That's the way i survived in high school and the way I continue to start the days off well.

Today I am writing from work. This is interesting since
1: I almost always post from home on my bed, and
2: I have a co-worker talking to me about things like how we need windmills here in MI, but the environmental people are concerned about bird migration and so on.

Anyhow, yesterday Hanson was in San Diego and although I did convince Joey to show up and notice the crowd, I did not get anyone to actually participate from "The Walk." Too bad. If I was there, we'd all know what I'd be doing.

Yesterday felt a little like Christmas and I was happy to see the snow fall down in big, heavy flakes. I had a lot to write yesterday, but alas - words now fail me.

This weekend was pretty nice- although much too short. We had an all-day training in Howell on Saturday and it was unique to say the least. The theme was "fire up revenue in 2009." And along with it was everything camouflage. That's right! We all got AAA hats and watches that little boys would love in their stockings. It went hand in hand with opening day of deer season in MI. The food was good and I tried to learn as much as possible given that my coworkers talked through a good portion of Chris' speech. People talking through someone's presentation has to one of my biggest pet-peeves. (Even worse than talking during a movie at the theater). And as a result, I have found myself separating from co-workers during work presentations and therefore labeled as NOT a "team player." Oh well, I can never win.

Good news is I still get paid for missing work last Monday along with an extra 4 hours of overtime and mileage. The night at the Baymont could also count as a mini vacation. I feel more alive already.

Thought for the day: Why do all the cookie crumbs congregate in the middle of the milk glass?

So today I had a sick day. I've caught Becky's cold from Hell and my mom took Ronia to church so I could rest. I'm definitely taking advantage of it and opened up the Christmas present I bought her (mom) last year and am watching season one of Friends.

One thing that hit me is that Ross is 26. 26. That's 1 year younger than me! It brought a whole new urge to move out and get friends. (That live close by and actually stop over to have fun. :))

6 hours later...

Now I'm sitting by the fire and listening to Christmas music. It's finally time for it- it snowed today! I'd say we have about half an inch out there on the ground. I love the big flakes. Christmas is so romantic and fun.

My room is clean now after my time alone. It hasn't been this clean in months! My nightstand is totally clear and I even vacuumed today. Looks like I get to stay home again tomorrow because my babysitter is staying home with her sick kid.

I miss Joey today. I'm really looking forward to being with him at some point in the future. Melanie mentioned tonight that Matt brought in the groceries and then took Elliott so she could finish putting the food away. That sounded nice to me. companionship. Who would have thought.

Well, night tonight to all. Till next time keep smiling and smell the snow.

Brownies and ice cream? OR oreos and milk. Hmmm, i just can't make up my mind!!!

I wish I had a space heater. It makes crafting more appealing. Freezing hands are always a set back. Although, I suppose high bills and house fires are also a setback.

Today's been interesting. I've been in a bad mood pretty much all day. And for no particular reason. Surprise Surprise. I feel like maybe I just need to move out. I think I'm lacking responsibility and need to do something about it. Sure the whole money part frankly sucks, but you have to do what you have to do. Today I finally took care of the suitcase that's been on our living room floor for over a month. I'd like to pretend that cleaning up and taking care of things would be easier if I owned my own house. Similar to the fact that raising Ronia became much easier once I moved from San Diego. It's like if you have to do it- there's no pressure and you just do it because you have to. When I know it's just me who's responsible for something, perhaps it's easier to take care of it.

I tried Pandora Radio for the first time today as well. It's kinda fun. The task that's looking me with evil eyes right now is the large piles of mail and such saying, "Put me away!! Or I'm going to swallow your room whole!" Am I the only one that has a hard time with incoming mail. Well, I suppose that's enough ranting for now. Perhaps more later. If you're all lucky!

Look, I'm not being a couch potato. Although, I suppose I am on the couch.
Anyhow, tonight I'm not wasting time by watching the Gilmore Girls or checking my facebook every 2 minutes. No sir- season 6 is yet to be acquired, and no one is on facebook tonight. Instead, I'm being productive and participating in our office party tomorrow- "treats not tricks." The smell of brownies is drifting over as we speak. I'm also typing this very insightful post. Something I used to enjoy and want to keep up. The other day I got stuck in the past until Joey brought me back to reality. We were discussing how during high school and college were mostly an opportunity to discover and express oneself. Since I've had Ronia, I really haven't thought about me being fun or vibrant. Of course, I am no longer fun or vibrant, so that's what I am attempting to fix. :) Brownies are done.

Anyone still out there? It's been about 6 months since I've updated this and I really used to enjoy it. Perhaps with the new makeover, I can relive the past.

It's strange how music can have such a role in life. I know I've touched on this before, but I stumbled upon some Vanessa Carlton info tonight and have been "youtube-ing" her all night. 2 songs in particular, White Houses, and Who's to Say, totally define a chunk of my life. It wasn't really a good time, but all the same, I like the liberation they make me feel when I hear them.

Other songs that play roles:

I can't hear "Kiss me" without thinking of Taylor Pierce and smiling
M2m's Pretty, Pretty boy ironically reminds me of Matt Brand
"Burn" reminds me of Sarah and Noel
Britney reminds me of Betsy
Mmmbop reminds me of Shannon
Joshua Kadison of course reminds me of Amy
Rush Rush by Paula Abdul reminds me of being at Grandma Rosie's house
Starry Starry Night reminds me of Grandma Marjorie
Sarah McLaclan reminds me of winter in MIddleville

I feel like an adult. Only because I feel like a mom watching this New Years Eve bash. It still may be Dick Clark, but I couldn't be more detached from Miley Cyrus and today's scene. I don't care, and I feel like Ryan Seacrest and all the other adults are just as detached and have to strain to act interested.

As a kid, and teen I felt like i was part of the music. Part of the movies, and part of the shows. I'm not anymore. I did watch Ally last night and smiled in memory but it wasn't the same. I suppose I have enough of my own drama that i know longer have to immerse myself into others- fiction or not. Now my problem is I'm so immersed in my own that I struggle to pay enough attention to everyone else's. Funny that my life isn't "dramatic," it's just that I'm selfish I suppose.

If i had any new years resolutions, that would be one of them- -to stay in better touch. to write letters, to make phone calls and to be a better listener. This year has been one of transition and of very nice change. I went from being depressed, alone, and lost- to found, loved, and extremely happy. My life is very complete at the moment and i feel extremely blessed. I know that only a handful of the world population gets to experience life at it's fullest, and i feel like I'm just on the brink of knowing what life can actually hold.

I posted more pictures tonight. They are very cute.

So, i'm driving myself crazy. Return of the "I'm a stupid woman" feeling. (line from the Notebook). Mom says it's genetic, but nonetheless, i'm trying to break the cycle. At least on the upside, i'm aware of how irritating i really am and that i just need a hobby. I finally got Harry Potter and the deathly hallows on my bed and i'm just waiting to dig in. I also need to scrapbook. I have so many great pictures i just need to put in order. I always picture myself alone in life and how much fun i'll have. My problem is when there's someone there or a potential someone there, i have a habit of losing that independent passion for life and turn stupid. Anyone else out there make problems where there aren't any? i'm famous for that. I'm also famous for the callback and i hate it. you know- when something's just not feeling right, so you call back but end up making it worse?

So, does anyone know if i can hook up a vcr to a computer? I finally have a dvd player via my desktop, but have no way of watching all of my fabulous vhs tapes. I really want When Harry Met Sally. Maybe i'll add that to my movie list this year. My sister is still borrowing Elizabethtown. Gosh that's so good. Well, more later. Probably much more (writing) later because i need to distribute my thoughts and feelings instead of channeling them. now if i can only listen to myself. That would be a first.

So, i've decided one of the worst jobs in the world would be a sex therapist. I mean, really- who would ever feel comfortable sleeping with you? I just have a feeling like most sex therapists are ironically single. It amuses me as much as Jessica Simpson writing that book on how to make a marriage last. And Hilary Duff's "greatest hits" cd. That amuses me too. Isn't there a rule that you need more than 2 albums to make a greatest hits cd? I'm off on a tangent already, but am now interested in looking at new cd's from my cd club. I like Hilary Duff. I'd say shhhh, don't tell, but if you read this, i'm sure you could have guessed. :)

So, as Amy pointed out, it's been months since I've updated. It's also been a while since Romeo and Juliet came out for our generation. I'm watching it for the first time in quite some time, and man, is it strange. I can't figure out who's the weird one; Baz Luhrmann or William Shakespeare. Leonardo looks so young, and Claire danes is just so beautiful. She hasn't seemed to change at all the past decade. It's a wonder that I still enjoyed high school when they made you receite 20 lines of this stuff.

Well, it's 10 and it's HOT. I'll be off to bed now.

There's a little spider in the corner in my bathroom. He's very cute, which is why he's still there. Ironic really because I peacefully leave him alone, but also know that if he stays there he'll starve to death. How often to spiders need to eat? My little friend isn't bigger than a pen mark, and he's grown a little over the past 5 days or so... but i'm thinking i really need to bring him outside. Those little buggers crawl so fast though that i'm hesitant in picking him up. Maybe I can get Shannon to do it.

Shannon is coming tomorrow!! Big day tomorrow. May 25th. May 25th is my old friend Jennifer Perkin's birthday. I haven't seen her since 5th grade. It's also Angie's birthday- who thankfully, i've seen a little bit more of (Then Jennifer, i mean.) May 25th is my mom and ex-step-dad's anniversary. And it's 4 days before Betsy's big day. Betsy called me on my birthday. I hadn't heard from her since before Christmas. We still haven't talked. Heard she was moving to Washington state.

My new co-worker Mimi was picked to go on a 7 day alaska cruise with Holland America. I wasn't picked because they know I'm leaving soon. She's been there a week. I've been there 2 years. Wish I hadn't missed out on my chances, but more will come I'm sure. It's totally fair, I understand from an employers point of view. It just sucks. that's all. Fully paid trip. They actually PAY for you to go. It's like you're at work, but instead of looking at the computer screen you're looking at Glacier Bay. I was upset about it, (I think naturally), and called Noel soon after. He didn't get it. If I want to go so bad, why don't I go? Well, I think because it would cost thousands of dollars and I don't have the time or money, or time off work. It's about the same as him getting a chance to get a new Nissan 300zx, but missing it by a hair. But he doesn't get it. He did bring me a sunflower the other day though. I said what was on my mind when he came to bed at 2 am one night, and I think he listened. He gave me a sunflower because he wanted us to have "sunny days in the future." I liked that. It's 11 o'clock and he's not home yet. I do like my time alone, but I do miss the feeling of someone wanting to spend time with me. Funny how I can have that and still have something missing. I wonder if there's always something missing. Maybe that's why life is so complicated and there's so many different distractions. One person simply isn't enough and that's why we have jobs and responsibilities and family and friends and addictions and perhaps the most useful, imagination.

I watched Can't Hardly Wait tonight. I can't believe that high school is so long ago already. I wonder what went through Dan's mind when I sent him that gum after senior year. I wonder if anyone wondered where I was at the reunion. The thing I miss most about it is the innocence. I was so independent, and HAPPY. Holy cow was I happy. Most aren't in high school, but I was. I remember waking up every morning to mixed tapes that I made. My room always smelled wonderful like my plumeria jelly jar from Bath and Body works. Or my hawaiian ginger lotion. Kmart had that lotion out here in San Diego. I bought some, but the smell only lasts a few seconds before fading away. I miss Jamie Wachtor. I miss Taylor too. I wonder what we would do if we could time travel. Funny how 1 day can change the rest of your life so drastically. One of my favorite lines in Can't Hardly Wait is when Ethan says maybe it was a hero's trial. She was just someone to make him a better person in life. I think some have definately played that role in my life. Mostly men. Wonderful men that I usually didn't get. Or the wonderful ones that I did but weren't right. Sometimes I just can't figure out why things are the way they are. I used to pray that I would be a good companion for Scott. I actually used to pray for it. My journals are written proof from years ago. Somehow I always knew I wasn't ever going to be good enough. Not that I thought I didn't deserve him, but that he deserved so much better. I wanted someone that I wouldn't be mean to. Someone who I wouldn't get irritated with for no reason, or act irrationally or make feel stupid. Turns out its just who I am. Funny.

I feel like I'll be "home" when I get back to Michigan. All of a sudden I'll have my life back. There will be a few more key players, but I'll be able to find what I left there. All my memories. I'm excited to show Noel all the places i've been, all my special places and people. I'm not so sure he'll really care, but I hope so. I want to show him laid back life, simple pleasures, seasons, and happiness. And when I want to escape I can do my favorite drive to Kalamazoo. I'll pass betsy's old house, Matt's house, my grandma's old house, take the back road to Middleville, pass the church, my house, the mill, taylor's grave, and all my favorite back roads. The roads I used to make out with Ryan Smith on. The roads that I could drive like a race track with my eyes closed. Everything from Holland is gone. My old house is gone, steve's house is gone, the store is gone. My school looks empty and Sarah's off traveling. South shore Dr is still there though, and hopefully my favorite house hasn't sunk into oblivion.

Every week or so I can bring grandma her books. I can go play with melanie's baby when ever I want. Chaotic family events will be back. We can go tubing at Dad's. Ronia will have a yard to run around in. She'll be walking shortly after we get home. I'll be able to listen to music super loud so you can hear it outside in the yard as the sound travels through the curtains blowing in the open windows. And most importantly, I won't scream at the stop lights for existing every 50 yards. :)

I'm lovin' angels instead.

So I really like the song Boston by Augustana. Maybe it was only seeing it 50 times on VH1 for the 2 weeks I had it a couple months ago (as opposed to 1,500). Anyway, I'm happy I downloaded it the other day as it's always brought a smile to my face each time I hear it played.

Ronia has a nasty plugged nose and keeps waking up with this choking/hacking all night. I wish she could just get better. I really want to find someone active and fun that wants to watch her for an extremely low price. Don't we all want that? There was a lady that I came in touch with, but at the time I was worried that Ronia would be too much for her since baby girl is used to lots of noise and other babies- tends to get bored easily. Day care seemed to get better (or tolerable) but that all changed the other day when they said i owed them $500 and will not give me a correct printout or even call me. They have NEVER returned a phone call of mine. EVER. Turns out the 2 weeks that mom was here - we still have to pay for. The 2 weeks vacation can only be taken if your child has been enrolled for over a year. What a crock. I told the director I needed to see this in writing since i don't remember it, and she still hasn't provided it for me. Go figure. So that's my big issue now with the child. Other than that, she's always cute, getting bigger and starting to crawl. Can't wait for melanie to have hers so I can play with a little one again. I'm still trying to get her to make the "m" sound. "Mama" isn't seeming to come easily.

My contacts cost entirely too much. I just plunked down $239 for 8 boxes. This is on top of $60 for the glasses, $20 for the copay, and then $80 for the exam. Oh yeah, and I pay over $12 a month for my insurance. What did it cover you ask? I have no idea.

Shannon is coming out to see me soon. I can't wait!!!! only a couple days more!

Thanks for everyone who gave me birthday wishes, I'm so sorry i'm just getting back to thank you now. Angie, I still have to let you know that was one of - if not THE- sweetest cards I've ever gotten. Thank you!

I'm tired. (what's new?) Off for now, but at least I touched base. take care all!
note to self: next time posting, write what you intended to. :)

Hanson has a new album coming out. YEAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!! :)
Amber, Issac has a kid now. I hate how they only announce it after the birth. I suppose that's smart, but it always catches me off guard.
If only I had a life of leisure and 400$ I could fly to Tulsa for my birthday and watch hanson record an acoustic album. May 5th. Hmmmm.... Tempting. But i'll be in Disneyland!! So i guess that won't be so bad either. :) Also on a happy note, Hanson's upcoming album is available for members to listen to in it's entirety before the official release- for free. I love hanson. :)
Getting nervous about moving home. Any advise?