So, last night I finally heard from Joey after his 7am-9pm interview in New Mexico. He didn't get the job in Colorado, but had a great time with the people of Sandia. We are now down to 2 possible options; here or there. After sobbing to mom for about an hour, I rearranged my mental picture of the future and hope that I can tolerate it. Working for a place that manages nuclear weapons (which I'm against) and living in the middle of the desert were never things I wanted out of life. But then again, who am I to plan such a thing. I may as well let God choose this one, he always seems to fix all the horrible decisions I've made in the past.

Anyhow, this morning I needed my morning playlist to wake me up. I put it on random, and this was the first song I heard today. I found it appropriate: Beth Nielsen Chapman, "Shake My Soul."

I had it all lined up
Then my future crashed
I heard the deadbolt lock
And there stood my past
But there are no signs for tomorrow
On the back roads of my sorrow
I could beg, steal
I could borrow
But the grace will have to come to me

I'm gonna shake my soul
And release my hold
Givin' up control
And let the rest unfold
Cause it's a long, long way from here to where we go
Take off the training wheels
Lift off the handle bars
I'll drive right through my fears
And resurrect my heart

And even in my darkest hour
When my tears stayed undercover
I know it one way or another
Love is coming back around to me

I'm gonna shake my soul
And release my hold
Givin' up control
And let the rest unfold
Cause it's a long, long way from here to where we go
Take off the training wheels
Lift off the handle bars
I'll drive right through my fears
And resurrect my heart

In the face that I wore as a child
I can see myself
Every day of my life I'm tring just to free myself
To be myself

And the rain comes I can hear it
Like a bass drum loud and clear it's
Ancient wisdom of the spirit
Ali, Ali in come free

I'm gonna shake my soul
And release my hold
Givin' up control
And let the rest unfold
And when the forewinds blow
And the rivers flow
We're gonna rock and roll
To when it all gets told
It's a long, long way from here to where we go
It's a long, long way from here to where we go

I know
It's a long, long way from here to where we go
It's a long, long way from here
It's a long, long way from here to where we go
It's a long, long way from here
It's a long, long way from here to where we go
It's a long, long way from here
It's a long, long way from here to where we go
(fade out)

Wow. It's extremely hard for me to slow down these days. I don't think about it often, but life is so much more fast paced than it used to be. For example, when I went on the internet in high school, I'd start my computer, wait 5 minutes for it to load, then try to connect to the internet, wait for 5 minutes for it to load, etc. etc. Now, I'm at the YMCA trying to get some work done, and it's painfully slow. A half and hour has passed and I still haven't been able to complete an album upload to facebook. I'm frustrated and feel very high strung as I wait; feeling like I'm wasting time.

Just last night I was thinking about ways to make my life simpler, open, and fulfilling. I was stunned a few weeks ago when I realized that many days go by when I do absolutely nothing to ensure my day goes well. Far too often, I just live. Get up, work, clean, play, eat, sleep, etc. I miss the slow times (in the days before children) when I would just lay on my bed and listen to entire cds. I'd make up plot lines and stories to instrumental music and focus on the singers voice if there were words. No surprise, I don't do this anymore.

Well, it worked, so alas, goodbye for now. Hopefully, I'll take time to return.

Holy Shit I just bought a computer.
Sorry for the profanity, but I couldn't write this on any of my other web pages, and really needed to get it out.
Now let's all pray I can do this.

30 weeks ago was my last entry. I suppose one can argue that I have my new blog now, although very different from my journal. I feel as if I could never get rid of this since it contains my random thoughts and feelings from my college years and thereafter. Those are years I don't want to forget along with the rest of my life, so.. I guess I'll disregard it's been 30 weeks, and just go with it.

Joey is working late tonight (an exam to proctor) and Mom is sleeping on our couch, so I am up and alone and rather enjoying it. The playlist I created for my wedding has been playing the last couple hours and I find it a bit ironic. Enjoyable, but a bit sad and as I said ironic. It's the playlist for my wedding, but it consists of everything from my past. Weird as it may be I wanted it all there. I wanted a little bit of Betsy, a little bit of SMEAR, a little bit of Scott and Ben, and little taste from virtually every year of my life. Regardless of how close Joey and I get in the next however many years, he will never know who I was for the first 25 years of my life. 26 actually. That's a lot of years.

So I'm married, and I'm happy and my life may be going in a different path than it originally was, but damn it, I don't want to give up all my memories. I don't like friends drifting away and I feel like it's inevitable. On the other hand, I've had the same friends since what- I was born. Heck, Eric Lloyd added me as a friend on facebook the other day. Weird. Sometimes though, I wish I could randomly visit different periods of my life. Not to do-over, but re-live. Perhaps have a bit more fun. Heck I wasn't shy in highschool, but I wish I would have hung out with other people too. Like, if I actually hung out with Dan, I may have found him as boring as heck. But I bet if I hung out with let's say Corey Lucas or heck- Ron strouse or something, I probably would have had a lot of fun. Interesting hindsight is.

I've been missing Scott's family quite a bit lately and wonder if it's acceptable or just plain out of line if I write them a letter. Part of me also wants to write Scott and email and say something like: I feel I still owe you something. I just wanted to let you know that whenever I hear "Gotta Get Over You" by Aslyn, you cross my mind. Again, acceptable, or just plain out of line?

Writing that and thinking that I wonder if it's even ok that I think those things? I mean I'm totally happy being married and starting my photography business and having a little girl that's so darn cute. But can't I still remember my past? I think I can, and part of me wishes Joey could know it too. But part of my likes to keep it to myself. I made a point when I started dating him that I wouldn't replay my past (with men anyway), and I've always been happy with that decision. In in the past I feel like it just created jealously on one end or the other and it's all so stupid. If it's in the past, it's not worth being jealous of because it wasn't strong enough to make it the present.

Things I would want in a perfect fantasy world:
I'd like to be able to hang out with Matt Brand once in a while.
I would have the relationship I had with Ben back, but it wouldn't cause any pain for anyone.
I could talk and visit with Scott's family
I'd actually hang out with Dan Finkbeiner somewhere to find out what he was like in real life.
Taylor to be alive for one day so I could talk to him about all these seemingly loose ends.
A seaside house on the Atlantic with Amy
Smear parties once every season.
To have the same enthusiasm and passion as I did when I was younger.
I would have spent more time with Joey on our wedding day
I'd stop "being right" all the time and stop being critical.
A preference for long distance running

Now I just have to work on the things I want in this perfect world. I love how we have choices every moment of every day and it's always a mystery what we're going to choose next.

wow- 17 weeks since my last update. I keep wanting to write facebook updates, but don't want to make everyone crazy, so I guess i'll just ramble on here.

Ronia went to bed now 3 nights in a row without asking for her paci. This is wonderful news.
Now we just need to leave the pull ups off and we'll be a big girl officially.

Today we had a work meeting. Someone approached me and said that I should consider a job as an agent development trainer. I would love to be involved in new agent training, but obviously wouldn't be around to accept, even if I had the chance. At this point, I can't really figure out what I want to do. Should I try to get back in with AAA as a travel agent? Should I try to find out about training positions, apply as a reservation agent at Pleasant Holidays, or simply get out of travel all together and do something else? The only problem is, I don't know what else to do. I am in travel because I love it. I love learning about new places and sending people to see the world. Who knows what the future holds for travel agents, but if I were to stay where I'm at- I'd like to stick around to find out. However, I'm making the conscious decision to prioritize Joey's education and feel confident that it's worth it all. The opportunity he has been given is such an amazing and fortunate experience and I wouldn't ever want that to pass him by. He would give it up in a heart beat. All I'd have to say is I'm staying here, and he would simply up and move.

Besides the whole leaving my job, family, babysitter, friends,and Michigan part, I'm looking forward to the future. I'll have Joey to come home to, awesome places to visit, and my best friend back. And hopefully as soon as he's done with his program, we'll be able to move back here without any issues. Hopefully.

I watched the Graduate the other night. I was left with the response, "What the hell...?" Tonight I may watch the Secret Life of Alter Boys. Cross your fingers that's better.

5 weeks since my last post. Has it really been that long? Well, Sarah, here's your fix. :)
I'm listening to Marie Digby on my old school walkman. The one that has my name written on the bottom, and the tears showing from where I felt I had to tear off Scott's name that was next to it. He's such a good guy- I hope he's really happy with his girlfriend. After all, I did find someone pretty darn perfect for myself. He's having a hard time and I feel helpless, but I'm sure it will be all worth it in the end.

I miss Betsy tonight. I called her at least 2 or 3 times this holiday season with absolutely no reply. I'm not surprised, but it's still a little weird. I used to spend every Christmas night with her. That is, until she actually got a life and a boyfriend and I tried to force tradition. I sometimes wonder how many times I cross her mind in any given time period. I so badly want to email her a picture of the "new Matt," but know she'll only reply to ask about him. Kind of ironic that he's one of the many factors that broke us apart, and now I probably feel closer to him than my 20+ year friend.

I suppose I'll always keep in touch with people if I can, even if it's once in a great while, and even if it doesn't really create any sort of solid friendship. It's just part of who I am I suppose. Obviously, I hold on to somethings forever, others I detach immediately. Hanson would fall into the first category of course, and I finally get to be trapped with them for 5 straight nights. Maybe I should convince one of the members to come with me to Atlantis to take advantage of my free admission. I'm sure they'll fall for that.

Night all. Time to get some rest.

Who Dante was
The meaning of the death mask
That Orlando Bloom was totally out of place in "Ned Kelly"
My daughter can say, "Here you go, Mommy."
What Kyle Bedell will look like 30 years from now
That I knew the difference between an Albatross and Blue Footed Booby right off the bat

So any night that involves pizza, Jesus, men in shiny outfits, the discovery of "plushes" (platonic crushes), and real, live camels- has to be a good one.

Tonight's been fun. Lots of things have been done and lots to reflect on.

For the first time in a while I became inspired to write some letters. Of course I didn't get to it, but I did manage to organize my greeting card box complete with tab labels. I also found pictures for Nana and a card I wrote to Doug about 4 years ago. I suppose the upside of the communication aspect was that I checked out myspace and emailed a few people I hadn't in a while. Myspace was a bit of a trip. I never check it anymore and remember when it was a source of pain. In the midst of things, I re-read Noel's old posts of him being infuriated at me and swearing a lot. That was such a terrible time in my life. The WORST time in my life. I'm incredibly relieved that I've been able to live a fairly "normal" life since all that went down. Still can't believe Joey stuck through it all, but I guess he's not the "disrespectful punk ass bitch" that he was once labeled. Noel has also come a long way and is braving it out here away from his family and everything he knows. Ronia loves him tons and loves to pretend to go visit and talk on the phone to him. I hope this all works out in the end.

I've also discovered tonight that music is quite sensual. I can't decide if this is an obvious statement or just a weird statement, but I still feel it holds true.

I miss Amy a lot recently and everyone else. Today is the first day in a while I felt like myself. After I dragged myself out of bed this morning, things started to fall into place. Of course, it's now after midnight and I don't know if I'll get enough rest to repeat it...
I felt fairly energized after chatting with Kyle all the way around the globe, and rushing Ronia to day care before 8. I was the first one to the meeting this morning on the other side of town and I actually had a semi-decent idea and wasn't too ridiculed when I brought it up. On the way to work I picked up a short caramel marvel to celebrate and then sold a celebrity cruise and had 2 final payments come in. All in all, not a bad day. Well, Ronia slept for a while after I picked her up and once again woke up completely messed up. Lesson learned. If the child sleeps, quick make dinner and wake her up! One more "I'll do it!" tantrum and I'll be at my wits end.

I answered the question I already knew. The only way I can start functioning properly in the morning is music. That's the way i survived in high school and the way I continue to start the days off well.